You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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