I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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