just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
barbara walters just said penis...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
