My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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