Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
