Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
