Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
