I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
