I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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