don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
