im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
