I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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