A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
