I don't think brook has ever known best
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
