Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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