i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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