I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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