so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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