I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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