11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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