do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
