party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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