my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
