So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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