I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
