Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
