***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
