Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
