Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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