my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize