i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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