Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
