i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
