Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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