Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
