After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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