I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
