my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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