I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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