Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
