I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
