I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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