This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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