I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
