how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
this is an emotional support booty call
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize