if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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