Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she peed on how many people?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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