Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
