oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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