having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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