Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
