why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
