i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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