I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
