Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
