i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
