loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
