A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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