The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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