Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
