Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
